Courage Network

By Lyn Twyman

There is a difference between being a single parent by choice and being a single parent by "accident".  Those who have chosen to be single parents engage a support system of family, friends and access resources in their community to provide an environment that is nurturing to their children.   The African-American community has an alarming 72% of children that grow up in single parent homes and for a vast majority of these families, it's not a conscious choice made by parents but out of circumstance.  For example, African American teens experience the highest teen pregnancy rates among their counter parts.  Lack of stability, education, money and viable family support systems causes children born in these environments to become under nurtured.  These environments also breed violence, setting the stage for children to become abused, become abusers or for parents to become abusive.

When being a single parent is not a lifestyle choice it presents major challenges.  The stress of life on both parents and children, the lack of emotional, physical and financial support are all contributing factors to domestic violence and violence in general.  Children and parents experience displaced anger and aggression and unfortunately this can only be a natural reaction when needs and wants are not met, unlike the increased benefits of having a two-parent home when struggles are met with support and more options of surpassing.   Let's look at some statistics:

• 63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes. [U. S. D.H.H.S. Bureau of the Census]
• 90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes.
• 85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes. [Center for Disease Control]
• 80% of rapists motivated with displaced anger come from fatherless homes. [Criminal Justice and Behavior, Vol. 14 p. 403-26]
• 70% of juveniles in state operated institutions come from fatherless homes [U.S. Dept. of Justice, Special Report, Sept., 1988]
• 85% of all youths sitting in prisons grew up in a fatherless home.

Ref:  http://fathersforlife.org/divorce/chldrndiv.htm

In support of an online campaign called No Wedding, No Womb, created by Christelyn Karazin, I am writing this article in dedication to all of our young women who desire marriage and successful homes.  All of our young women who see marriage in their futures have that very right.  Not only am I part African-American from a bi-racial home, but I grew up in a single parent home for almost half my childhood, a home that allowed myself to be victimized and set the stage for further victimization .    Unfortunately in a fast paced, instant gratification society, we put the cart before the horse and with the help of mainstream media, we have increasingly taught ourselves and our young people to "get it on" before they know the person they are with is healthy mentally, emotionally, physically and ready to take on the responsibility of taking care of a child.  Thus, our young women find themselves in  the most difficult situations having to choose between abortions, adoption or raising a child on their own.

Young women, know that your bodies are the most valuable, precious things you possess.  You have the power to be the most remarkable change makers on the face of this earth.  You have the power to give life on so many levels, to birth innovative ideas and execute remarkable plans, including the plan to have children.  Having children should be a plan and a plan that is executed with a thoughtful caring partner who will help you raise that child so neither you nor that child finds themselves in an environment of poverty and violence. 

One life can affect hundreds, thousands, millions, even billions of people.  When you think about the cashier, the school teacher, the doctor, the presidents and leaders around the world, these people affect countless others.  Marriage is desirable and a right that you have but it needs to be with someone who knows what it means to have a healthy relationship and  capable of raising children.  Until you find that person, protect your mind and body.  Protect your womb. 

So what makes a healthy relationship?  I'll list some crucial qualities here:

Mutual respect

Respect means that each person values who the other is and understands the other person's boundaries.

Trust

Without trust, there's no way to have a healthy relationship. Choose to trust in each other and give each other the benefit of the doubt.

Honesty

If you have ever caught your friend or dating partner in a huge lie, you know that it takes time to rebuild your trust in him or her. Always be honest. It builds trust and strengthens the relationship.

Compromise

You won't always get your way. Acknowledge different points of view and be willing to give and take. It's a bad sign when the relationship becomes a power struggle.

Individuality

You shouldn't compromise who you are, and your identity should not be based on your boyfriend or girlfriend. Continue seeing your friends or doing the things that you love. Be supportive if your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to pursue new hobbies or make new friends.

Good communication

Speak honestly and openly to avoid miscommunication. If you need to sort out your feelings first, your boyfriend or girlfriend should respect your wishes and wait until you're ready to talk.

Anger control

We all get angry, but how we express it can affect our relationships with others. Anger can be handled in healthy ways such as taking a deep breath, counting to 10, or talking it out.

Problem solving

You can learn to solve problems and identify new solutions by breaking a problem into small parts or by talking through the situation.

Fighting fair

Everyone will argue at some point, but those who are fair, stick to the subject, and avoid insults are more likely to come up with a possible solution. Take a short break if the discussion gets too heated.

Understanding

Take a minute to understand what others might be feeling-put yourself in their shoes. It can improve your communication skills, too.

Self-confidence

Having confidence in yourself can help your relationships with others. It shows that you are calm and comfortable enough to allow others to express their opinions without forcing your opinions on others to win an argument.

Being a role model

By modeling what respect means, you will inspire your boyfriend or girlfriend, your friends, and your family to model respect, too. Take every opportunity to give respect.

Resource:  Choose Respect

I want to be very clear, I am not talking about abstinence necessarily although many will assume that the message of No Wedding, No Womb is one and the same with abstinence.  What I am talking about, however, is the realization that we need to focus on healthy relationships and teaching our young women that pregnancy does change your life.  The responsibility of raising or not raising a child will ultimately fall on the woman.  Society and the family courts would like to force dead beat dads (and moms for that matter) to man up and care for their children but even the threat of jail time is not enough to force some of these folks to support their children and the parent that consistently takes care of the children. 

All women deserve men who will love them and support them, not abuse them and certainly not use their bodies for the many pleasures that intimacy can bring, just to leave or abandon them when a child enters the picture.  So we must teach our young women to be empowered with this issue.   For African-Americans, the disrespectful title of the "baby mama" can no longer be the norm.  Marriage is your right and so is raising a child in a nurturing, loving home.  So know it, own and if you desire it, go for it!  No wedding, no womb.  The choice is yours.