Courage Network

As I approached my thirty six birthday, I am really beginning to reflect. I have reflected on all decisions positive and negative. I looked back at my dreams that have been deferred and the ones realized. It is through my reflections that I am able to really see how much growth I have had. I decided to take this note and to truly be real....not graphic, but real.

I have made some really bad decisions over the years. One of which was turning down my scholarships and joining the Navy. Don't get it twisted, the Navy was good for me but it wasnt what I should have done. Because of repeated rape and molestations I had low self esteem and low self value. I ran to the military because I felt that I could be protected by Uncle Sam. While in service, I was raped again and then just figured rather than get raped again--just give it away. It was less pressure that way.

Because I wanted so much to be protected yet again, I got married. I endured a marriage that started at 19 years old with verbal and slight physical abuse. My beautiful oldest daughter was born and the need for a family that spoke to me encouraged me to stay. The only problem was every day that he called me out of my name or talked down to me, the less I wanted to be in the relationship, so I began to look for solice outside of my marriage. I became pregnant with my second child and then left the relationship for good.

My next relationship garnered some heartaches and pain. I endured verbal and physical abuse because we were both too young to know what was really going on. By the end of the relationship I had two more children which made the family a family of four for me. When I left that relationship, I became involved with a man who put semi automatics to my head and assured me that he would take my life. I lost my children, my home, my car, my sanity and everything within me within three months. It took me four years to rebuild and in that four years I married again to a man who was far worse than any of the others. I kept attracting abusers. This one was different though. He went to church, he was saved. We praised God together. I remember telling the pastor and the pastors wife what I was going through only to have them tell me to stay. I left when I realized that his eyes were looking longingly at my daughter. He was teaching her to hate me because he needed to turn everyone against me.

I took time to myself after that. I needed to heal. Again, I lost everything. I had lights turned off on me one day, the phone the next. Each day, he took more. But--I allowed it. I had to stay with a friend to get back on my feet. Through her I learned that women could be strong. I became strong. I got my own place, a good job. I was on top again....maybe.

I straggled into another relationship. This one while not abusive was a little dysfunctional but what relationship isn't? It ended, as it should have but we were able to remain friends.

I will not write about my present relationships...I will only dump my past but know this. I have been kicked, bodyslammed, pushed through doors, pushed through walls. I have been choked till I turned blue in the face. I have also retaliated and punched through glass windows, slashed tires and even cut clothes in my dysfuntion. Here's the difference-- a woman can be a perfectionist at verbal abuse while a man is a skilled electrician with physical blows.

Many people asked how can you be so passionate about domestic violence? It's because I lived it most of my life. I watched many cycles in my family. I picked myself up off the floor many nights. I ran for my life after being kidnapped. I even prayed as I was gangraped. If God has not left me yet, then my life has purpose. My question to you is---what is your reflection?