Courage Network

by Lyn Twyman Lisa met John about 15 years ago.  He was charming, loving and even after over a year of dating they still lived a part.  John respected her in every way. "I thought he was 'It' for me…you're so in love and you ignore the tell tale signs," explains Lisa, "I also grew up in a home where domestic violence was present.  John had proposed to me a few times but would never mean it, like it was a joke or a game."  The signs later  became noticeable, "It started with verbal abuse.  He would say 'You're not good enough.  You should change jobs.  Work somewhere else.  Make more money'.  There was no pleasing him." John grew abusive.   Lisa and John would occasionally go out with his friends.  John would drink and become loud, obnoxious and increasingly abusive toward Lisa in public.   Friends would ask him to leave her alone but that was not enough to convince him stop.  During one of these outings, John began degrading Lisa again in front of his friends.  Lisa had decided enough was enough and defended herself by speaking up.  John became so enraged at Lisa that he took her by the chin, picking her up off the floor, digging his fingernails into her cheeks until she began to bleed.   John's friends tried to stop him and pleaded with Lisa to leave but she did not.  John later told family and friends that Lisa's injuries came from boxes and a filing cabinet that fell on her.  Yet another violent episode with John left Lisa with a displaced jaw and missing teeth.  John again would tell family and friends that this too resulted from another accident.   Lisa visited John's father after this last episode of violence to get his help with money that belonged to her that John had been controlling.  He looked at Lisa and saw the lingering deformities from her injuries on her face.  His conscious ate at him.  "He looks into my eyes and tells me 'I thought things would be different.' " Different what do you mean?" Lisa recalls her asking him.  There Lisa learned from John's father that John had abused his last girlfriend for 13 years.  That is when Lisa's tears began to fall and they both cried together.    By that time, Lisa and John had been together for 7 years.  She knew without any doubt that her relationship was more than unhealthy, it would get her killed and she needed to get out.  One day while John was at work she rented a moving truck and began packing.   "John's best friend walked in and saw I was in the process of trying to get everything out of our home and says 'What took you so long?' and he helped me packed."  Lisa left that night with the moving truck and all her possessions, but not before John got back home from work to witness her leaving.    It was not until several weeks later, Lisa found out she was pregnant with their baby.  Uncertain and scared, she went back to John but the growing baby inside her did not stop John and the violence continued, "He threw me across the room and even put me out in the hall naked," Lisa recounts.  Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, John's moods would change even regarding the unborn child they were having. One minute he was excited and expressed joy then within seconds, he would pick up the phone and threaten Lisa to abort the baby, that having the baby would mess up her life even giving ultimatums to get rid of it or else... Five months later Lisa packed her bags and left again, this time not only for her safety but for that of her unborn child. Lisa gave birth to a beautiful girl after she finally left John.  "I went to stay at a friend's house I thought he didn't know about and he found us so that's when I went to live in  a shelter."  But even the shelter posed another dilemma, "They would not allow us (the residence) to work  yet gave us 3 months to get ourselves together to find work and housing. It's a catch 22, you can't get huone without the other.  I saw a few other residents fail to do so and they were sent to emergency homeless shelter.  Emergency shelter also was not an option because they make you leave during the day and you can only sleep there at night in an open room with cots."   Lisa and her daughter has also moved 16 times in 10 years because of  stalking, harassments and threats from her ex.  Despite the struggles that Lisa and her daughter have faced to just have their basic needs met like housing, transportation, stability and safety, they continue to rebuild their lives.   Furthermore, Lisa  has realized a dream.  Lisa, a former model, loved being in front of  the camera but also loves being behind it.  She has been accepted into one of the most prestigious colleges for photography, the Hallmark Institute.  GreenNote.com is a fiscal sponsor who is collecting donations on her behalf to raise tuition so she can attend Hallmark this fall of September 2010.  To view Lisa's profile on GreenNote.com and donate toward her tuition, click here.  One of Lisa's goals by going to photography school is to graduate with the tools and methods she needs so she can work in places like law enforcement and putting faces to the victims of domestic violence to help them understand just how beautiful they are.   Additionally, Lisa has launched  a website called LAS Photography to showcase her stunning porfolio that includes people, nature, artifacts, collectibles and other objects.  Lisa understands that her gift to capture the essence of life with the lens is a gift that she wants to use to help others.  "Domestic violence is a story that others need to know about.  Often people do not believe it is happening until they actually see it.  A photo tells a story and this story and those of other victims and survivors needs to be told." Lisa is a photographer, survivor and major contributor to the Courage Network blog titled Courage Magazine. All photography in this blog post is owned by Lisa Sammons.  Do not duplicate.  All rights reserved.

As I approached my thirty six birthday, I am really beginning to reflect. I have reflected on all decisions positive and negative. I looked back at my dreams that have been deferred and the ones realized. It is through my reflections that I am able to really see how much growth I have had. I decided to take this note and to truly be real....not graphic, but real.

I have made some really bad decisions over the years. One of which was turning down my scholarships and joining the Navy. Don't get it twisted, the Navy was good for me but it wasnt what I should have done. Because of repeated rape and molestations I had low self esteem and low self value. I ran to the military because I felt that I could be protected by Uncle Sam. While in service, I was raped again and then just figured rather than get raped again--just give it away. It was less pressure that way.

Because I wanted so much to be protected yet again, I got married. I endured a marriage that started at 19 years old with verbal and slight physical abuse. My beautiful oldest daughter was born and the need for a family that spoke to me encouraged me to stay. The only problem was every day that he called me out of my name or talked down to me, the less I wanted to be in the relationship, so I began to look for solice outside of my marriage. I became pregnant with my second child and then left the relationship for good.

My next relationship garnered some heartaches and pain. I endured verbal and physical abuse because we were both too young to know what was really going on. By the end of the relationship I had two more children which made the family a family of four for me. When I left that relationship, I became involved with a man who put semi automatics to my head and assured me that he would take my life. I lost my children, my home, my car, my sanity and everything within me within three months. It took me four years to rebuild and in that four years I married again to a man who was far worse than any of the others. I kept attracting abusers. This one was different though. He went to church, he was saved. We praised God together. I remember telling the pastor and the pastors wife what I was going through only to have them tell me to stay. I left when I realized that his eyes were looking longingly at my daughter. He was teaching her to hate me because he needed to turn everyone against me.

I took time to myself after that. I needed to heal. Again, I lost everything. I had lights turned off on me one day, the phone the next. Each day, he took more. But--I allowed it. I had to stay with a friend to get back on my feet. Through her I learned that women could be strong. I became strong. I got my own place, a good job. I was on top again....maybe.

I straggled into another relationship. This one while not abusive was a little dysfunctional but what relationship isn't? It ended, as it should have but we were able to remain friends.

I will not write about my present relationships...I will only dump my past but know this. I have been kicked, bodyslammed, pushed through doors, pushed through walls. I have been choked till I turned blue in the face. I have also retaliated and punched through glass windows, slashed tires and even cut clothes in my dysfuntion. Here's the difference-- a woman can be a perfectionist at verbal abuse while a man is a skilled electrician with physical blows.

Many people asked how can you be so passionate about domestic violence? It's because I lived it most of my life. I watched many cycles in my family. I picked myself up off the floor many nights. I ran for my life after being kidnapped. I even prayed as I was gangraped. If God has not left me yet, then my life has purpose. My question to you is---what is your reflection?

 

Ever wonder why women chose to stay in abusive situations?
I use to wonder that myself.
I watched my mother be abused in two separate marriages.
I thought the same thing. Why? Get out! I would never put myself in that situation.

How wrong I was to think that until I found myself in that kind of relationship three different times.
What a fool, thought by my friends asking the same questions.
I use to ask myself about my Mom when I was a kid. Then I knew why.

One because growing up in that house it became apparent to the child as normal relationship behavior.
Boys tend to grow up finding themselves the abuser or abuse victim in some cases.
Girls well, sometimes the abuser themselves & as adults find themselves being the victim.
Children learn from the life their parents show them and tend to fall into it
themselves once adults, no matter how hard they might try or say they would never.
I said I would never and then found myself smack in the middle of it more then once.

Should I have known better? Tried harder? Seen it before it happened to me?
One would think I should have.

So why do we stay?

* She may have grown up with violence -
* Many times a women does not want the relationship to end.
* She doesn't know who to turn to for help or where.
* May not have friends of family support if she leaves.
* She may feel shame about being abused, reluctant to let anyone know
* The abuser convinces her she is at fault for making them so mad &
* Loss of what she knows as security, scared, confused and worried she has not

I could go on and on on, this why we stay.
Most of us such as myself finally get fed up have had enough and find
 our stronger side to make that leap to get out.
It is a very scary one, difficult decision, the insecurity of what happens next
when staying we know what to expect.
Some of us do, some don't and some even go back to what they know because
 the new challenges faced for us or our children is overwhelming without support.

Support isn't always easy to find all the answers we need. WHY?
Why is society so easy to just toss this up as no big deal.
You would be amazed at what states offer little help or refuse to see it is a BIG ISSUE!
It does happen and to many of any race, color or nationality.
Believe it, it's true. Is it happening to you?

No one deserves to be abused. No one!
What so many do not understand & peeves me the most is those that see abuse as "Did he physically hurt you? Then it's not abuse."
SO NOT TRUE!
Even our court system in some areas or some judges personally to chose to not see the full picture of it.
Domestic Violence gives a sense of False Security to the Victim.
We want to believe it is easier to stay then it will be to get out.
Tell me why?

THIS IS ABUSE:

* PSYCHOLOGICAL & EMOTIONAL ABUSE -

* SOCIAL ABUSE -

* FINANCIAL ABUSE -

* SEXUAL ABUSE -

* PHYSICAL ABUSE -

KNOW THE SIGNS!

Signs of abuse you need to ask yourself does this happen to me?
What are the signs?
It is hard for the abused party to realize they are being abused.
SO, How do you know?

* VERBAL -

* VIOLENT TEMPER -

* CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR -

* EXTREME JEALOUSY -

* ISOLATION -

* EMOTIONAL CHANGES -

* BEHAVIOR OF CHILDREN -

THESE ARE ABUSE TOO!

Then of course the obvious.

* BRUISES & INJURIES -

What is Domestic Violence? Domestic Violence is a crime!
Domestic Violence is a pattern or coercive tactics, psychological, emotional,
social, financial, physical, sexual, establishing or maintaining power & control and can happen to anyone.

I broke the chain. You can to for yourself or for your children if you have any.
 Did you know if you stay you can have your children taken away from you
 for keeping them in this situation?
Most do not know this. Do you want this for your children?

A question I ask my friends whom I have found in the same situation.
Imagine your child, daughter or son as an adult, picture this kind of relationship.
How would you feel about it? How would you handle it?
What advice would you give them?
Think outside to box from a window looking in at your life, their life or a friends.
Would it be GET OUT? SAVE YOURSELF? I AM SCARED FOR YOU?
 Would you offer them the support you found or couldn't find?

Your take on this? I am curious to know? Are you yourself being abused?
Do you know someone who is being abused?
Do you know how to help? Do you know where to seek help?

As a "SURVIVOR", I know the pain the difficulties a "VICTIM" endures.
I also know a little help goes a long way. I AM A SURVIVOR, no longer a Victim.
I can now give what was given to me..HOPE that those I know,
can make the transition from victim to SURVIVOR as I did. Your not alone.
JUST KNOWING THAT SOMEONE CARES MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD.
_________________________________________________________

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
National Domestic Violence Hotline Website  (link) or www.ndvh.org

When searching for a shelter to take in my daughter & I at the time of need found ourselves stuck in that abusive home for several days when just wanting to get out & be safe. Why? Because they didn't have room. Not enough shelters around to house so many seeking safety. Texas I found had even less then NY and for as big as that state is...few & far between they were.  Why? Do they not see this as an issue of importance?? Sister there was seeking help. Found the shelter aid facility staff, cold, un-personal, un-pleasant & or comforting. Talked at her now with or to her through plate glass keeping her in a little room as if she was the disease.  She was denied help because the abusive party made to much money. WHAT?? Who says the other parties income has anything to do with her & her childrens safety. I had to go myself making calls to 4 separate shelters for days before being accepted myself. Much more comforting, helpful & personable then what my sister found near her and there was only once option of D.V. Shelter for location.

With county discovered that to them Domestic Violence Victims were classified & no different then labeled "HOMELESS". I can assure you and as all of you already know. We are not the same as your average homeless person. "DISPLACED" yes, because we need to leave for our safety as well as our children if so having. If in staying with the abuser not only do you risk those dangers you are facing already but can lose your children if staying long enough without finally doing the right thing. This is where the system in some states, counties & courts are messed up.

Example of what I have found & experienced. D.V. Shelter - to stay you "have to" get county help, your not allowed to work during your residency, shelter costs per day is higher the anyone's typical monthly rent. Some start at $75 to $200 per person per day. If you don't get county help/aid you have to pay out of your own pocket for stay so a mother & daughter it could cost about or over $3000 mo. for stay in a shelter if paying out of pocket. A mother of 5 is a way over a whopping $10,000 mo. OUCH! (aha!! now you see where others view D.V., county etc as the argument of the tax payers)

There are shelters that allow you to work. Not many. Still it is an out of pocket expense for the victim or they have to seek county help. AH!! County help. Depending on their rules they won't help unless you find a job, if staying in shelter depending if they do not allow you to work then how is this supposed to work?? If staying in a shelter where you are allowed to work the costs are over what you could be spending on a new place to rent. If working and at shelter but still having to seek county help...well if you have ever had to deal with county (some call it welfare) you already know if your working how little the actually help because you get a pay check. Sound frustrating?? Understand why it is so hard for some victims now to leave the abuser if they have no friend or family for support & help?? Or why they go back to the abuser? Things others don't think about.

Here is another example. Staying in D.V. Shelter is a limited stay. Understandably so. For some stay is shorter then a mo, others a little longer. Where I was at the limited stay was 3 mo. at the end of your stay you have to have found and obtained a job & a place to live. So, was frustrated with how do I find a job if I am not allowed to work? How do I obtain safe housing if I don't have a job?? Had it not finally been for a friend to cover & say I was employed so that I could find housing before my 3 mo was up, I would have had no place to go.

What happens to victims after their stay is over if they haven't found, obtained a job & housing??? Your out! If I didn't have a place to go or family & friends to stay with in the first place what makes them think I do now after 3 mo safety stay in that shelter? So I watched a few moms with children/babies get turned then to Emergency homeless shelter. Ah! One big room with cots and your only allowed one bag & what you can carry. Does this sound right to you? Guess what that abuser is living life as normal unless in jail (usually short lived) as if none of this ever happened other then the 2 or 3 mo delay for court if required or not at all. While you the victim saving yourself & your children from harms way.

Something to think about on how the system works. You can't do one thing without the other and you can't achieve the other without first that one thing. So it's a catch, a rock & another rock your stuck between. So, wonder why even after D.V. Shelter stay the victim goes back to the abuser? Or why they chose not to do shelter in the first place? Because not enough of them to get help or safe stay so they go back to what they know the abusive home.

The dilemma of safety & D.V. Shelter stay. Why are some like this? Because there isn't enough funding. The state doesn't see reason to have more of them. Does this mean that they don't acknowledg it happens in their state or county? The tax payers are fighting the good fight about where their money is going because for them "homeless" is someone who isn't applying themselves, abusing the system, waste of their tax paying dollars. I can sympathize to a point being a tax payer but I surely now view this differently. Domestic Violence Victims should never  be labeled & in the same catagory as homeless. The two are not exactly the same.

So when speaking out for your right to be safe as well as your children. Remember that speaking out just isn't saying your story, supporting others, etc. you need to speak out to your state representatives or county on how D.V. Safe Housing is needed & more of them or bigger so not so many are turned away. Sadly how many of them not getting the safe housing they were searching didn't make it out of that abusive situation without now more mental or health issues. Or worse didn't make it out alive. Why? Because there was no room in the safe house. Funding isn't there as it should be, city, state & county budget were cut for local shelters because on their list those that vote on these things for what gets cut, axed isn't a concern because someone voting wasn't a victim themselves to know the urgency on why they are needed.

There is only so much a safe housing domestic violence shelter can do without proper funding. There are many out there that are good ones but they still have room shortage and it breaks their hearts to have to send others away. Even legal help services from my own experience were cut while Bush was in office. Leaving me to as the courts say, 'represent yourself or hire an attorney'. While giving him the free court appointed attorney because he was in lue of incarsaration & the courts needed to protect themselves from being sued by lack of representation if facing jail for the abuser. How is any of this right?

I know I am not the only one whose dealt with the delimma's of help from county, state, court or safe housing shelters. I didn't give up and found a safe shelter stay. If not for a friend to help me when my stay was up where would I have ended up? I didn't give up hope. Neither should you. I am a survivor. We can't do this alone.

Women's Opportunity Award
The Women's Opportunity Awards, Soroptimist's major service project, was established by Soroptimist International of the Americas in 1972 to assist women entering or re-entering the workforce in obtaining the education and skills training they need to improve their employment status. Women's Opportunity Awards are designed to give women who provide the primary source of financial support for their families the opportunity to achieve their career goals—an opportunity they have not previously had, whether because of economic or social barriers, or personal circumstances. These awards are for women who are attending, or have been accepted to, a vocational/skills training program, or an undergraduate degree program. Women's Opportunity Awards are cash awards that recipients may use for any expenses related to their educational pursuits. These include tuition and books, housing, child care and transportation. These awards are not scholarships. The program begins at the community level, where award amounts vary. Local winners then become eligible to receive region–level awards. Every year, 28 geographic regions throughout North, Central and South America, and Asia each grant one $5,000 first–place award, and some regions give additional $3,000 awards. These 28 first–place winners become eligible to receive one of three $10,000 finalist awards. CURRENT DEADLINE: Dec. 1 2010

Raise the Nation has three Scholarship/Grant Awards you can apply for.
* Continuing Education Scholarship  (pdf document)
* Student Loan Grant (pdf document)
* Child of a Single Parent Women Scholarship (pdf document)
More information on each of these including help paying back student loans via this program can be found here: Raise the Nation Scholarships & Grants
Deadlines and disbursement dates for the next two cycles are as follows: Fall 2010 Application deadline: August 1, 2010 Expected disbursement: September 30, 2010 Spring 2010 Application deadline: December 1, 2010 Expected disbursement: January 30, 2011

Additional Scholarships/Grants for Domestic Violence Victims Survivors:
The R.O.S.E. Fund (nomination only & has to be done by an advocate or organization on your behalf)

What you should know is the R.O.S.E. Fund helps with many other expenses such as The ROSE Fund Reconstructive Surgery Program, The ROSE Fund Research & Report Card Program for communities & The Rose Fund Award for organizations or one outstanding individual such as advocates for their achievements in helping self esteem to women of domestic violence. Read more Here.

Don't forget to always check the NEED BASED PROGRAMS that your local State Educational Grants offer. ;-)

Those advertisements for Single Moms go back to school ...there is a catch to those. Most are strickly for ONLINE college. If that works for you great.
Sometimes the offer up colleges giving the option of online & campus or just campus. What they don't tell you is some will ask for $ to get the information. Some will not let you chose your own school YOU want to attend. These sites are strickly pushing colleges that pay them to promote them for gaining more students. So your only going to get their list of colleges & yours might not even be on that list. Something they don't tell you.

If you know of anymore scholarship, grants, programs or those that sponsor DV women to go back to school post it in comments so others will know. Including myself as I am still in search for tuition help through grants, sponsors & scholarships. Because I was recently accpeted to a great college which now might just be a dream if tuition is accomplished. :-( So far, yet so far away.

In all, know this, YOU CAN MAKE A CHANGE for a better future regardless of what has happened in your life after domestic violence. You owe it to yourself & your children if you have them to prove that good does come out of bad as well as setting a good example for them.

Courage Network is just a stepping stone for all that is out there & if we all continue to post helpful information here, it will soon help many others in finding what they need without all the internet searching & hoping that the some of the programs out there have what they need.

Sometimes it all boils down to how you ask & what you ask for to obtain any information on programs available. Believe it or not some programs don't know about some of the other options out there. Reason why they are finding Courage Network a good place as well for information. For college now you have some information to help your goal of returning to school. I hope this helps. I'll keep adding as I find things.

Remember if you know of any other existing scholarships, grants, aid or businesses/organizations that sponsor DV women going back to college & needing tuition help...PLEASE POST IT!
 

I remember a show called "Barney and Friends" that came on television a few years back. Barney was a big purple dinosaur that came into your home via televison to spread manners, love, and education to your child(ren). One of the ways he was able to do that was through singing. One of the messages in his show was "Caring Means Sharing."

As I look at this world that we live in, I am amazed at how many adults seem to have difficulties when it comes to following that very same message that was intended for children. We often tell each things like, "if I could I would, " "let me know if you need anything," or "I'm here whenever you need me." Here's the thing, why do we need to wait for the "person in need" to contact us first before we reach out and share.

Whether if it be advice, information, or a physical thing if you have something SHARE. You never will know if that person or group will be able to benefit from what you possess if you simply never do it because you are waiting for them to reach out to you.

I remember when I was going through what I would like to call my "Emancipation" process (walking away from my ex-boyfriend/abuser.) During this process, I spent some of my time in a hospital room learning how to do the "simple things" again (breathing, walking, utilizing my fingers, etc.) At no particular time did any one feel the need to SHARE information with me that I would have consider to be important information. If I didn't ask, I wouldn't know. Just typing that statement makes me shake my head in disgust at how selfish people can be whether knowingly or unknowingly. Still to this day, I seem to experience the same thing from people especially in regards to domestic violence.

Domestic violence is a very serious situation that is growing consistently by the second. So many cases are being added to the files of unreported. So many restraining orders are being dropped on a daily basis while others are not even being filed. It's not because our fellow sisters and brothers do not want to change their situation. It's because the information needed to reverse this process isn't being SHARED with them. it doesn't take much at all. Every little bit amounts to a lot.

I remember I met a woman back in 2002 at the courthouse in Newark, NJ. She was so nervous and afraid, yet steady telling herself as she tried to convince me that it would be best if she dropped her restraining order because the guy didn't seem to be the type to do anything worse than fill her gas tank with sugar and bust out all of her windows on her car. Because I cared, I shared! I shared my personal photo album with her. This photo album contained photos of my mother's kitchen where I was stabbed 13 times  in front of my children, as well as photos of me hospitalized with a chest tube connected to me. By SHARING the information I had, another life was able to be saved. Another person was able stand firm with their "gut feeling" and not allow fear to intimidate them and change their mind.

The bible talks about how people are destroyed from lack of knowledge in Hosea 4:6. What you don't know can literally kill you -- I know from experience. It doesn't have to literally kill you as in death. It can kill your self-esteem, your goals, make you depressed, bitter, angry, or lonely. Together we can all put an end to selfishness and start SHARING. Please understand that it's not about you alone, it's about helping others which also helps you.

I decided to write this because it was on my heart and because I care I decided to SHARE.

Be a blessing, because you are already blessed.
Princess Grace
 

“Do you know someone that has been abused”?

A fist full of love is what you gave to me

Ashamed and embarrassed, I asked how this could be.

Your actions spoke volumes, your words were so clear

You lifted me up and held me and took away my fears

What I felt for you was love and an overwhelming peace

I knew that you were my comforter and that the pain would soon cease

I couldn’t understand how you could love me so much

You left me whole and complete from your most tender touch.

I thought my life was insignificant, and a way out I could not see

But a fist full of love is what you gave to me.

What a quickening of a spirit, a human enlightenment

A time full of healing, a relationship wonderment

Amazing acts committed, I thank YOU that I’m free

A fist full of love is what you gave to me.

This is dedicated to my Jehovah, My God, The Most High, My Strength, My Comforter, My Wonderful Counselor………..Thank you for giving me a “fist full of YOUR love”