What is a Thriver?
By Jenny“Sisterhood is many things. It’s a warm smile on a cold and rainy day, a friendly hug, a cheerful hello… It’s all that a good and lasting friendship is, only better. It’s treasured. It’s sacred. It’s knowing that there will always be someone there for you. It’s dreams shared, and goals achieved. It’s counting on others and being counted on. It is real.”
This post dedicated to all my Archangel Sisters. I love each and every one of you!
This morning I was charged with the task of defining what “thriver” means to me. I compiled a list of the first words that came to mind: self knowing, embracing life, living to the fullest, empowered, open, secure, unbroken, girl power, liberated, and vibrant. It was a good start. However, truly grasping the essence of thriving is not something that can be broken down and explained on paper. It’s something that needs to be felt.
The most wonderful thing happens when you attend the My Avenging Angel Workshops and follow-up sessions. You become part of a sisterhood: a loving, accepting, flaw embracing community of women committed to improving not only their own lives, but also the lives of others. That is where the thriver energy emanates. It comes from each and every woman.
The Angels are a diverse group- coming in every shape, size, age, color, and religion- a reminder that domestic violence does not discriminate. Yet, we do not dwell on our past. Instead, we celebrate the beauty of our differences and bond over a common experience. Surprisingly, it’s not the trauma or past suffering that brings us together. It is the desire to bring about change- in ourselves and in the world that binds us. Together, we see a future filled with limitless possibilities. In each of us there is hope, faith, and the courage to embark on a journey to a more fruitful and fulfilling life. We give each other strength. Our ties cross town and state lines across this country. We are feminism at its best- an abuser’s worst nightmare! Are motto: “Living well is the best revenge”.
Being a thriver is more than becoming a self-aware, self-loving individual. It is about belonging and becoming part of a community. The community is necessary to impact other lives. It’s the sense of sisterhood that helps to empower us. I could not imagine what a difficult journey it would be, or it even being possible to thrive without a strong support network. No one individual is self-sufficient enough not to need a shoulder to cry or lean on during hard times. A house is only as good as the foundation it is built upon, and the individual is no different. You are only as solid as your base. In this respect I have been very lucky (not only to have the Angels, but also the unconditional love of my amazing family, friends, and boyfriend who always back me 100% - equally in success and failure).
I am so grateful to belong to such an awe-inspiring group of women. Each is a blessing in a my life, a window to the possibilities of how the future could be. I am fortunate to not only have such a tremendous family (both by blood and bond), but to be part of one. Knowing that I play a role helping and healing others is more healing and empowering than anything I could achieve on my own.
If you reside in or near Connecticut and are interested in moving beyond survivor to thriver please visit Susan Omilian’s website for more information on the FREE My Avenging Angels Workshops. You can also email me at runningthriver@gmail.com.
If you do not live near Connecticut and are still interested in joining the Thriver community, check out the Thriver Workbook. In it you will find many of the exercises Susan uses in her workshops. You can also check out The Thriverzone.
As always, thank you for reading! Please feel free to share
any of the information here if you know someone who can benefit
from it (just give credit back to the site please 
) Comments and feedback are always welcome
and appreciated. Good luck in your Thriver Journey!!!
Purple Running
By Jenny“Being good is commendable, but only when it is combined with doing good is it useful.”
- Unknown
I have officially launched my Running for the Color Purple Campaign! I will be running in the upcoming Half Diva Marathon in Long Island Oct. 2, followed by the Hartford Marathon Oct. 15 in an effort to raise money for CT-ALIVE (CT Alliance of Victims of Violence and their Families). October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, so the timing could not be better for both raising funds and awareness. I also intend on using my future marathon running to continue this campaign.
I would strongly encourage other runners not currently running for charity to consider doing the same. You don’t need to necessarily support domestic violence, but can find an organization that is important to you.
One in four women in this country has or will experience
domestic abuse in her lifetime.
Approximately 1.3 million women are physically assaulted
by an intimate partner annually in the US
Approximately one in five female high school students
reports being physically and/or sexually abused by a dating
partner.
On average, more than three women are murdered by their
intimate partners in this country every day.
Only one third of injured female rape and physical
assault victims recieve medical treatment
Women of all races are about equally vulnerable to
violence by an intimate partner.
Intimate partner violence affects people regardless of
income.
Nearly three out of four (74%) of Americans personally
know someone who is or has been a victim of domestic
violence.
Forty percent of girls age 14 to 17 report knowing
someone their age who has been hit or beaten by a
boyfriend.
Studies suggest that between 3.3 – 10 million children witness some form of domestic violence annually.
As a survivor of domestic violence, this cause is very important
to me. CT-ALIVE has personally touched my life, and I can
attest to the amazing services they provide to women attempting
to put their lives back together after abuse. They offer
these programs and services free of charge to victims,
which is why fundraising is so important.
The Connecticut Alliance for Victims of Violence & Their Families Inc. (CT-ALIVE), is a Connecticut non-profit corporation which is tax-exempt under Section 501 (c) (3) of the IRS Tax Code. CT-ALIVE was established in May of 2002 by a group of survivors of homicide that wanted to help other survivors heal after the horrific trauma they had experienced.
Your generous donation to CT-ALIVE will help provide services to victims of violence and their families under several of our Projects. You can also Sponsor Our Event.
To donate to CT-ALIVE’s work, events or services, click below to pay by credit card or send a check payable to “CT-ALIVE” to P.O. Box 330083, West Hartford, CT 06133. Your donation is tax-deductible.
Domestic Violence affects not just the individual, but also the family and community of the victims. It’s time to let go of the stigma associated with abuse and start talking about it. Education and awareness are crucial. Please show your support, spread the word, and DONATE!
If you are interested in joining me or learning more leave a comAn Important Petition
By sherry123456789This lady needs our help so PLEASE spare 15 minutes to read this and another two or three minutes to actually sign. Thanks
- NO PLEA BARGAINING IN ANY SEX CRIME CASE
- LEGISLATION REQUIRING ELECTRONIC MONITORING FOR CONVICTED CHILD SEX OFFENDERS
- AUTOMATIC 25-LIFE SENTENCE FOR SEX CRIMES AGAINST A 6 YR OLD CHILD OR YOUNGER
- A MINIMUM 25 YEAR SENTENCE FOR ANY SEX CRIME
- AUTOMATIC LIFE/DEATH SENTENCE IF THE CRIME RESULTS IN THE DEATH OF A CHILD
- PRISON TIME IS TO BE SERVED DAY FOR DAY (no good time allowed)
Long mandatory sentences for child sex offenders are the most effective for the following reasons:
- Mandatory sentences increase the severity of punishment, and act as a deterrent to crimes, likely reducing the number of sexual crimes against children.
- Mandatory sentences are a direct and immediate measure to prevent another crime from occurring. Kept away from the general population, sex offenders cannot commit another sex offense against a child during their prison term.
- Longer prison sentences reduce the substantial burden placed on law enforcement to keep track of an increasing number of offenders.
- A high recidivism rate among sex offenders merits tougher penalties to prevent the all-too-common re-offense. Convicted sex offenders are four times more likely than other criminals to be rearrested for a sex crime, according to a 2003 study by the Justice Department's Bureau of Justice Statistics (BJS). That statistic probably understates the risk of recidivism as it compares convicted sex offenders with other criminals rather than the general population, it examines only one-time sex offenders instead of the two-time offenders who are more likely still to repeat the crime, and it counts only re-arrests as repeat offenses, when others may have committed sex crimes without detection.
Of the released sex offenders who commit repeat offenses, forty percent perpetrated the new offense within one year of their prison discharge, and the majority of the children they molested after leaving prison were age thirteen or younger, according to BJS.
For all of these reason, we ask for your leadership on ensuring Trinity's Law is passed in the upcoming legislative session.
I have a cause to see changes made in the laws of this country concerning Sex Crimes against children so that what happened in my granddaughter's Aggravated Sexual Assault of Child case will not ever happen to another family in that the perpetrator virtually got off Scott free! I have vowed to not rest until laws are changed concerning sex crimes especially against children, right here in my city first and then across this nation.
When it comes to Sex Crimes against a children, our children for far too long have been placed on the back burner by our law makers and the court systems and this MUST CHANGE! Our mission is to protect the children of this country. MAP is a group that desires to reach out to as many schools, daycare facilities, churches and other entities and organizations as we can to speak to children, teens, young adults and others to educate about this very sensitive but prevalent topic. We are in support of tougher laws on Sex Crimes especially against children. We praise those that are bound for Capitol Hill to lobby for "Trinity's Law". Trinity's Law prohibits plea bargaining in any Sex Crime case and mandates a range of prison time and that time is to be served day for day.We will rejoice when changes are made in the way Sex Crimes against children are prosecuted in this country. We need a separate court for Child Sex Offenders which will require Judges and Prosecutors to be assigned to those courts. This way Child Sex Offenders are separated and their heinous crimes can be processed and handled adequately. Until this change in the justice system takes fruition, our children are not only prey to sexual predators but also our judicial system. Please join with those who fight the good fight to change the laws of this country related to Sex Crimes especially against children.
Please contact Cherlyn Branch the Founder and Director of
MOTHERS AGAINST PEDOPHILES (MAP)
She also has a popular Live Talk Internet Radio Show "Ask Mother Roseberry"
P. O. BOX 381311
Duncanville, TX 75138-1311
Email: info@weremap.org
Landline: (877) 295-5855
Bussiness: (469) 223-1900
Fax: (972) 709-1151
www.twitter.com/asktheshow
www.askmotherroseberry.com
www.blogtalkradio.com/askmother
www.facebook.com/motherroseberry
To sign the petition please go to www.weremap.org and then click the link for Trinity's Law, and it lets you sign the petition electronically on that next page. Thank you.
Time's Up and Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit: Go Viral!
By Courage Network
Originally posted at Susan Murphy Milano's Journal
There was a successful boycott of Amazon this week because they were selling a book written for the benefit of pedophiles. While I am repulsed by anything that promotes pedophelia or harm to children, I'm not weighing in on that issue, which is out of my realm, but the campaign to boycott Amazon was something that went viral through the internet at breakneck speed, and the mission seems to be accomplished.
While I applaud the efforts, let's think about what could be accomplished if the same people whose outrages against a bookseller would unite, as well, for something equally important....saving lives of the abused.
If you would put those same efforts behind getting the Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit
used as applied practice in every agency, coalition, court house,
police department, hospital, or lawyer's office, think how many
lives could be saved.If each of you that have received my books and completed the Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit would pass on the information, just like you did by boycotting Amazon, think of the possibilities!
If you could step away from your computer for an afternoon and take the information to the aforementioned places, YOU can play a huge part in making this go viral, not just online, but in real life. Some of you are alive today because you took the time, did the work prescribed, and completed your Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit.
If you are boycotting Amazon, where my books are sold, you can also purchase them from by website, blog, or the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction.
I look forward to hearing your comments and views.
Susan
murphymilano@gmail.com
Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit by Susan Murphy Milano from the Book "Time's Up" from Courage Network on Vimeo.
The Importance of Using Accountable Language
By Courage NetworkFiled under Ending Men's Violence, Paper.
by Phyllis B. Frank and Barry Goldstein
This article was conceived because of the frequency with which leaders of our movement and presenters at conferences use unaccountable language in our presentations and proposals, even as they deeply care about ending men’s violence against women and have devoted their lives to helping women partnered with abusive men.
Like all tools of oppression, unaccountable language is conditioned into our psyches, taught and learned as appropriate vocabulary and in socially acceptable sentence structure. Thus, unaccountable language is part of everyday parlance of people acting in complete good faith in trying to end men's violence against women. We know this is true because as long as we have trained to avoid unaccountable language, we still sometimes make this error, as well. The movement to end domestic violence has not yet made the use of accountable language a priority. We hope this article will encourage all of us in the movement to do so. This is one program we can afford even in tight economic times.
Defining unaccountable language
Unaccountable
language refers to the powerful messages embedded in all forms
of speech and media that have all of us lapse into sentence
structure that obscures perpetrators, minimizes their abuse,
and supports blaming victims. One common example is the phrase
“an abusive relationship." The relationship did not hit the
woman, but rather it was the abuser, typically a man who is
husband or intimate partner, who was abusive. Such statements
make the person who committed the offense, invisible. More
specifically it is the use of passive language that results in
making the perpetrator invisible. For example, a phrase like a
woman was raped should be replaced by, “A man raped a woman.”
The rape did not just happen, but rather the rapist committed a
brutal act. The idea is to focus attention on the person
responsible. Accountably speaking we might say a woman was in a
relationship with an abuser or he is abusive to his intimate
partner. Another example is exposed by the question, “How many
women will be raped or assaulted in this year?” Do we ever
hear, “How many men will rape or assault this year?”
Other examples of the language of accountability
Once, when discussing accountable language during a staff
training, we looked up on the wall to see a bumper sticker that
said, "Every 15 seconds a woman is assaulted." Our objection at
the time was not with the accuracy of the information but that
the statement failed to focus on the cause of these assaults.
"Every 15 seconds a man assaults a woman!" would be an
accountable description.
During a dinner conversation, Barry, and his partner, Sharon, were discussing a series of disastrous calamities in their home caused by the builder who seemed to have deliberately sabotaged their house. After hearing about one emergency repair after another, Phyllis said it was the first time she actually understood the true meaning of an “abusive home“, since too often the phrase "abusive home" is misused to invisiblize a man who repeatedly abuses his partner in their home.
The
police and media often refer to incidents in which a man
brutalizes his wife or girl friend as a "domestic dispute."
This describes a man's criminal assault as if it were some kind
of mutual problem, even-sided engagement, or tame dispute,
rather than an act of brutality. When a mugger assaults and
robs a cab driver, it is not described as a "fare
dispute."
Unaccountable language hides responsibility
The use of accountable language is not a technicality or merely
a play on words, but rather an issue with profound social
consequences. The systemic use of unaccountable language
minimizes men's abuse of women, fails to take his abuse
seriously, and hides his responsibility for his actions. If we
say "a woman was hurt" it seems like it just happened, as if on
its own accord, or by accident, and there is nothing to be done
about it. If instead we refer to the man who is hurting the
woman, this requires assigning responsibility and taking action
to stop him from hurting her again and provide consequences for
the harm he caused.
Domestic violence is comprised of a wide range of tactics used by men to maintain power and to control their intimate partners The tactics are part of a pattern of coercive actions designed to maintain, what he believes (consciously or not), are his male privileges, to control his significant other. Historically, men were assigned, by social and legal norms, control over wives and families. Today, even though that is no longer legally, and for so many, morally, the case, an "abusive relationship" or "domestic dispute" makes it seem like a communications or relationship problem between the parties. It suggests counseling or therapy as a remedy instead of consequences to hold abusers accountable for abusive, controlling, and/or violent tactics.
Social
Consequences of unaccountable language
As a society our constant use of unaccountable language gives
still another advantage to abusers. Unaccountable language,
embedded in all dominant institutions, including the judicial
system, leads police, prosecutors, defense attorneys, and
judges in domestic violence custody cases to confidently assume
that both parties share equal blame for not getting along. They
often tell the parties they are equally responsible for the
problems in the relationship and they must start to cooperate,
get therapy, or anger management classes. When a mother
attempts to protect her children or limit contact with an
abusive father, she is routinely blamed for not getting along
rather than recognized for what is a normal reaction to a
partner's abuse.
If we are going to end or at least reduce the use of unaccountable language in this society, those of us working in the battered women's movement must take the lead and must set an example to use accountable language. Politicians often use phrases like "mistakes were made" Instead of saying, “I made a mistake.” We want society to be clear that men ,who abuse and mistreat the women they are partnered with, are responsible for their actions. We are asking presenters and others working to end domestic violence to join us in striving to use accountable language.
Dedication
Dedicated to our dear friend and colleague Jon Cohen, who worked with Phyllis B. Frank in developing the NY model for Batterers Programs, and with Barry Goldstein, to find many of the examples of unaccountable language in Barry’s first book, Scared to Leave Afraid to Stay.
Phyllis
B. Frank, pbfrank@vcs-inc.org, www.nymbp.org
Barry Goldstein, Barryg78@aol.com, www.civicresearchinstitute.com/dvac.html
The Band Aid Remedy Isn't Good Enough
By Courage NetworkOriginally published at
"Time's Up!"
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
The Band Aid Remedy Isn't Good Enough
Strength to Persevere
By Courage Network|
by Lyn Twyman Lisa  met
John about 15 years ago.
He was charming, loving and even after
over
a
year of
dating they still
lived a part. John respected her in every way. "I
thought he
was
'It' for me…you're so in
love and you ignore the tell tale signs," explains
Lisa, "I also grew
up in a home where domestic violence was present.
John had proposed to me a few times but would never mean
it, like it was a joke or a game."
The signs
later became noticeable, "It started with verbal
abuse. He would say 'You're not good
enough. You should change jobs. Work somewhere
else. Make more money'. There was no pleasing
him." John grew abusive.
Lisa and John
would occasionally go out with his friends.
John would drink
and become loud,
obnoxious
and increasingly abusive toward Lisa in
public. Friends would ask him to leave her
alone but that was not enough to convince him stop.
During one of these outings, John began
degrading Lisa
again in front of his friends.
Lisa
had decided enough was enough and
defended herself by speaking
up. John  became
so enraged at Lisa that he took her by the chin, picking
her up off the floor, digging his fingernails into her
cheeks until she began to bleed. John's
friends tried to stop him and pleaded with Lisa to leave
but she did not. John later told family and friends
that Lisa's injuries came
from boxes and
a filing cabinet that fell on her. Yet another
violent episode with John
left Lisa with a displaced jaw and missing teeth.
John again would
tell family and friends that this too resulted from
another accident.Lisa visited John's father after this last episode of violence to get his help with money that belonged to her that John had been controlling. He looked at Lisa and saw the lingering deformities from her injuries on her face. His conscious ate at him. "He looks into my eyes and tells me 'I thought things would be different.' " Different what do you mean?" Lisa recalls her asking him. There Lisa learned from John's father that John had abused his last girlfriend for 13 years. That is when Lisa's tears began to fall and they both cried together. By that time, Lisa and John had been together for 7 years. She knew without any doubt that her relationship was more than unhealthy, it would get her killed and she needed to get out. One day while John was at work she rented a moving truck and began packing. "John's best friend walked in and saw I was in the process of trying to get everything out of our home and says 'What took you so long?' and he helped me packed." Lisa left that night with the moving truck and all her possessions, but not before John got back home from work to witness her leaving. It was not until several weeks later, Lisa found out she was pregnant with their baby. Uncertain and scared, she went back to John but the growing baby inside her did not stop John and the violence continued, "He threw me across the room and even put me out in  the
hall naked," Lisa recounts. Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr.
Hyde, John's moods would change even regarding theunborn child they were having. One minute he was excited and expressed joy then within seconds, he would pick up the phone and threaten Lisa to abort the baby, that having the baby would mess up her life even giving ultimatums to get rid of it or else... Five months later Lisa packed her bags and left again, this time not only for her safety but for that of her unborn child. Lisa gave birth to a beautiful girl after she finally left John. "I went to stay at a friend's house I thought he didn't know about and he found us so that's when I went to live in a shelter." But even the shelter posed another dilemma, "They would not allow us (the residence) to work yet gave us 3 months to get ourselves together to find work and housing. It's a catch 22, you can't get huone without the other. I saw a few other residents fail to do so and they were sent to emergency homeless shelter. Emergency shelter also was not an option because they make you leave during the day and you can only sleep there at night in an open room with cots." Lisa and her daughter has also moved 16 times in 10 years because of stalking, harassments and threats from her ex. Despite the struggles that Lisa and her daughter have faced to just have their basic needs met like housing, transportation, stability and safety, they continue to rebuild their lives.  Furthermore, Lisa has realized a dream. Lisa, a former model, loved being in front of the camera but also loves being behind it. She has been accepted into one of the most prestigious colleges for photography, the Hallmark Institute. GreenNote.com is a fiscal sponsor who is collecting donations on her behalf to raise tuition so she can attend Hallmark this fall of September 2010. To view Lisa's profile on GreenNote.com and donate toward her tuition, click here. One of Lisa's goals by going to photography school is to graduate with the tools and methods she needs so she can work in places like law enforcement and putting faces to the victims of domestic violence to help them understand just how beautiful they are.  Additionally, Lisa has launched a website called LAS Photography to showcase her stunning porfolio that includes people, nature, artifacts, collectibles and other objects. Lisa understands that her gift to capture the essence of life with the lens is a gift that she wants to use to help others. "Domestic violence is a story that others need to know about. Often people do not believe it is happening until they actually see it. A photo tells a story and this story and those of other victims and survivors needs to be told."
All photography in this blog post
is owned by Lisa Sammons. Do not
duplicate.
All rights reserved. |
||
Survivor/Advocate/Author, Donna M. Savage Establishes Domestic Violence Services Specifically for Abusers, with the First Nation
By Donna
Domestic Violence Survivor/Advocate/Author, Donna M. Savage
Establishes Domestic Violence Services Specifically for Abusers,
with the First National 24 Hour Abuser Hotline (888)
SOS-ABUSER
Survivor/Advocate/Author Donna Savage Speaks Out!
Flanders, New Jersey, July 12, 2010 – Donna Savage is the Founder/Executive Director of The Domestic Violence and AIDS Mission of New Jersey 501(c)3 Nonprofit Corporation. The Organization was established with a focus on domestic violence abusers and connecting them with vital services such as counseling, prayer and suicide hotlines, drug/alcohol programs, anger management, etc., before it’s too late.
Ms. Savage adamantly states, “I look forward to all of my advocacy work, with one goal in mind…to save lives from being taken by the heinous crime of domestic violence. Many are entangled in the vicious cycle of abuse with the death toll rising everyday, all across the world. I am relentless in my mission to continue to make a positive difference in the statistics. If we don’t get abusers the crucial, volunteer help they desperately need, we will never break the violent cycle and many more lives will be lost. An abuser will not call a Victim’s Hotline…they need a dedicated hotline, with confidentiality. Even if we help one abuser to turn his/her life around to become non violent, we could possibly save more than one life. The services DVAMNJ offers to domestic violence abusers is unprecedented and we look forward to seeing our mission accomplished!”
The Domestic Violence and AIDS Mission of New Jersey 501(c)3 Nonprofit Corporation has just launched its new website WWW.DVAMNJ.ORG Two of the services established by the organization are specifically for abusers… “The Real Man Campaign: Man to Man Advocacy Program and the National 24 Hour Abuser Hotline (888) SOS-ABUSER. Both of these services will work in conjunction with each other, utilizing male advocates for male abusers. DVAMNJ is currently looking for volunteers to help with all of the services offered. We are an AIDS awareness organization as well as domestic violence. Contact the agency for further details and/or visit the website.
BECAUSE OF YOU... living w/ the memories of abuse
By Stacey CA Life Long Sentence
By BDBIt wasn't dinner party, family barbecue conversation that fell into the parameters of polite niceties and politically correct conversation. But the global sickness of incest and unchecked rampant child sexual abuse is everywhere. The continual crime of adult rape and abuse intensifies worldwide as victims daily gain the courage to come forward.
After years of silence the Catholic Church is facing probably its greatest crisis ever regarding the abuse of children. These people are adults whose lives are marred and minds scarred by the atrocities that happened to them. They had no beginning understanding of intimacy unassociated with pain and confusion. Their sexual health and choice of partners were all undeniably affected by the immoral criminal acts imposed upon their person. But the tidal wave of victim shaming and blaming still surges as crimes are forgotten because the victim, "moved past the abuse and is healed". So if forgiving is forgetting what happens to the record? Who will ever know such evil has happened? I think about what I learned in school regarding the historical account of the so called "great" Christopher Columbus. Years later after reading about what that man really did and how he really was I wondered how the history books had it so wrong all those years. We as survivors have been given a sentence and we must bear out the record. Not with hatred but with a heart of hope, help and determination and this is my start.
