Courage Network

“Being good is commendable, but only when it is combined with doing good is it useful.”

- Unknown

 

I have officially launched my Running for the Color Purple Campaign! I will be running in the upcoming Half Diva Marathon in Long Island Oct. 2, followed by the Hartford Marathon Oct. 15 in an effort to raise money for CT-ALIVE (CT Alliance of Victims of Violence and their Families). October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, so the timing could not be better for both raising funds and awareness.  I also intend on using my future marathon running to continue this campaign.

I would strongly encourage other runners not currently running for charity to consider doing the same.  You don’t need to necessarily support domestic violence, but can find an organization that is important to you.

Some startling statistics:

One in four women in this country has or will experience domestic abuse in her lifetime.

Approximately 1.3 million women are physically assaulted by an intimate partner annually in the US

Approximately one in five female high school students reports being physically and/or sexually abused by a dating partner.

On average, more than three women are murdered by their intimate partners in this country every day.

Only one third of injured female rape and physical assault victims recieve medical treatment

Women of all races are about equally vulnerable to violence by an intimate partner.

Intimate partner violence affects people regardless of income.

Nearly three out of four (74%) of Americans personally know someone who is or has been a victim of domestic violence.

Forty percent of girls age 14 to 17 report knowing someone their age who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend.

Studies suggest that between 3.3 – 10 million children witness some form of domestic violence annually.

As a survivor of domestic violence, this cause is very important to me.  CT-ALIVE has personally touched my life, and I can attest to the amazing services they provide to women attempting to put their lives back together after abuse.  They offer these programs and services free of charge to victims, which is why fundraising is so important.

The Connecticut Alliance for Victims of Violence & Their Families Inc. (CT-ALIVE), is a Connecticut non-profit corporation which is tax-exempt under Section 501 (c) (3) of the IRS Tax Code. CT-ALIVE was established in May of 2002 by a group of survivors of homicide that wanted to help other survivors heal after the horrific trauma they had experienced.

Your generous donation to CT-ALIVE will help provide services to victims of violence and their families under several of our Projects. You can also Sponsor Our Event.

To donate to CT-ALIVE’s work, events or services, click below to pay by credit card or send a check payable to “CT-ALIVE” to P.O. Box 330083, West Hartford, CT 06133. Your donation is tax-deductible.

Domestic Violence affects not just the individual, but also the family and community of the victims. It’s time to let go of the stigma associated with abuse and start talking about it. Education and awareness are crucial. Please show your support, spread the word, and DONATE!

If you are interested in joining me or learning more leave a com

Originally published at Women's Self Defense Federation

March 20, 2010

There is a lot of confusion over whether marital/couples therapy will help couples in abusive relationships.

You may have heard that marital therapy is not the proper modality for domestic abuse. Even stronger, you may realize that marital therapy is actually contra-indicated in the treatment of intimate partner abuse.

Then, you may also realize that some couples who deal with abusive control issues in their relationship can learn to develop new skills to facilitate their use of non-violent and non-abusive behavioral responses with their intimate partner.

With this apparent contradictory information, one remains confused as to whether marital therapy works or does not work. Does marital therapy help or hurt in the treatment of domestic violence?

When Marital Therapy Can Help

Marital therapy can help couples in which there is interactional relationship violence. That is when the abusive control dynamics go both ways between the parties.

At one time, one of the people uses power and control tactics, and on other occasions the other party employs the same tactics of abusive control. These dynamics continue within the relationship with the partners merely alternating roles of perpetrator and victim.

For the marital/couples therapy to work as an effective intervention with these couples, it must have both a psychotherapeutic component and a domestic violence corrections component.

When Marital Therapy Can Make It Worse

Alternatively, if the couple is dealing with classic “intimate partner violence,” marital therapy will not work to remedy their dysfunctional relationship.

That is, if the abusive control dynamics go in one direction, and one direction only, as in the case of intimate partner violence, then marital therapy is not indicated and will not alleviate the abuse dynamics.

If there is one abuser and one victim and both parties consistently operate from their respective position, marital therapy can serve as a platform to exacerbate the battering dynamic…posing greater risk for the victimized partner.

If you have tried marital therapy and notice that the abuse in your home escalates after your therapy sessions, then you are best to find an alternative solution to remedy the abuse in your relationship. Chances are you and your partner are better suited for a treatment intervention that addresses battering and victimization separatelyindividually.

When Marital Therapy Can Hurt or Help Abusive Relationships

If it is the case that your couples therapy appears to give your battering partner a stronger edge in maintaining his/her abusive control, recognize why this is so and you will be best guided to the proper intervention for your relationship.

Marital therapy is based on a systems approach. The goal of the therapy is to maintain the homeostasis of the system. Each party in the relationship is part of the system, and the responsibility for marital discord and dysfunctional interaction is spears across the system.

The problem with this approach, when treating classic unidirectional intimate partner abuse, is that it demands that the victim assume partial responsibility for the battering behavior. Moreover, it gives the perpetrator permission not to become accountable for his/her use of power and control tactics in the relationship. The net result strengthens the abuse dynamic, rather than interrupting the cycle of abuse.

In the case of interactional relationship violence in which the use of power and control tactics goes in both directions, couples can come to see the impact of their mutual behavior on one another. Under these circumstances, marital therapy gives a voice to both parties and can be a platform to facilitate change within the relationship.

What Therapy Is Right for Your Abusive Relationship

If you are in an abusive relationship, take a hard and fast look at the dynamics that you live. Ask yourself these two very important questions: Are there one or two victims? Are there one or two abusers (“control freaks”) in your relationship? …Your answers to these questions will guide you to the proper course of treatment for domestic abuse.

 

Originally published at Mirror.co.uk
By Kelly Strange 11/03/2010

 

It’s usually a crime committed by men against women. But as many as one in six men are victims of domestic violence. Kieron Bell, whose wife was jailed last week for attacking him, explains why he didn’t come forward until it was almost too late.

Burly bouncer Kieron Bell had no problem at all removing troublesome drunks from the nightclub where he worked.
 
But he found himself powerless to stand up to the domestic violence meted out by his petite wife and it ­almost cost him his life.

Many would find the ­situation hard to believe. And it was that fear which delayed Kieron reporting the domestic violence he was suffering at the hands of his seemingly loving wife.

She had attacked him regularly since they married in June 2006 but it wasnt until Sarah stabbed him in the chest with a steak knife that Kieron had the courage to stand up to his 24-year-old partner.

Even then she tried to ­persuade police ­Kieron had fallen on the knife. But after life-saving heart ­surgery which has left him with a 10-inch scar on his chest, he found the courage to finally ­expose her.

And now, after she was jailed last week for four-and-a-half years, hes speaking out to encourage other victims to come forward and break the taboo surrounding male domestic violence.

Kieron says: Domestic violence against men is a big problem. Because women are seen as the vulnerable ones, people dont understand how men can allow themselves to be victims.

But when I finally found the ­courage to tell the police what had happened they were brilliant. They didnt judge me and they took me seriously so I want other men to know they can report attacks. If it can happen to me it can happen to anyone.

The British Crime Survey shows that one in six men will suffer ­domestic abuse in their lifetime, compared to one in four women, or four million victims.

But statistics also show that men are twice as likely as a woman not to tell the police.

In 2008/09, 31 men were murdered by their partner or ex partner and in the same year 98,000 men were the victims of severe force at the hands of their partner or ex.

Gillian Guy, chief executive of Victim Support, said: Many people think domestic violence only affects women. Although statistics show violence against women is more common, men can be, and are, victims of this crime.

Besides dealing with the consequences, male victims also have the stigma to contend with, which puts many off getting help. Its vital Victim Support exists so these victims dont have to suffer in silence.

Kieron was a strapping nightclub bouncer and although the married father of one was well used to throwing drunks out of nightclubs night after night, in his own home he was the victim.

In fact, Kieron, 34, met Sarah when he was working the door of a Great Yarmouth nightclub. At 5ft 10ins tall and with a stocky build, Kieron had a reputation as a tough, but gentle, guy.

Sarah was a tiny size eight and 5ft 2ins tall. After a whirlwind romance Sarah got pregnant and the couple married, but afterwards Sarah started showing signs of a ­ferocious temper. She would flare up at the smallest thing. I put it down to her pregnancy ­hormones to start with.

But as Sarahs bump grew she started to become violent. If we were bickering she would suddenly lash out. I would never in a million years hit a woman so I would go out for a walk to calm down. When I came back she would say sorry and promise not to do it again.

I was confused and to start with never even considered what was ­happening as domestic violence ­because you just dont think it happens to blokes.

According to Mark Brooks, chairman of the ManKind Initiative, while the help male victims receive from the police is improving, it is still patchy.

He said: The plight of male victims has been swept under the carpet for too long. A victim is a victim, it should not matter whether they are a man or a woman.

Sarahs violence got worse, pushing and shoving became slapping and threatening. ­Kieron did call police to the flat. I called them as a way of shocking her into seeing what she was doing. I hoped shed calm down when the baby was born. Their son, who is now being looked after by his aunt, was born in February 2007 and Sarahs temper got worse.

Arguments normally started over the flat, if I hadnt done enough jobs or it wasnt tidy enough.

The police were called several more times but Kieron was always too ashamed to take it any further.

I didnt expect them to believe me, I mean whos going to think a big former ­doorman can be battered by a tiny little woman? People wouldnt take it seriously.

But on April 22 last year at 1.45am Sarah came home and started a violent argument with Kieron after ­accusing him of not doing enough around the house.

Moments later she ran at him with a steak knife from their kitchen, ­plunging it into his chest next to his heart and fleeing as Kieron slumped on the floor in a pool of blood.

She pulled the knife back out and ran. I remember thinking she had left me there to die and that I would never see my son again.

He called 999 and an ambulance arrived as Sarah returned and in front of medics urged her husband to tell them it was nobodys fault. He heard her plead: Tell them honey, as he slipped into unconsciousness.

As they rushed him to hospital for heart ­surgery, Sarah tried to persuade police that Kieron fell on the knife. Later he admitted the truth, that he was a victim of domestic violence. Sarah was ­arrested while he underwent life-­saving open-heart surgery and spent a week in hospital.

The knife had missed his heart by around an inch and doctors gave him just a 50/50 chance of survival.

I was relieved it was out in the open and surprised at how good Norfolk Police were.

Nobody treated it as a joke in fact they told me more was being done to help men in my situation. They gave me a lot of support in the run-up to the case. Now I know there is no shame in what happened to me.

Kieron moved in with his aunt and son to recover. He came and give me a really big cuddle. I felt lucky to be alive. I couldnt even pick up my boy to start with, thats when it really struck me what shed done.

She could have killed me, but she didnt think twice about taking away our sons dad.

Admitting to people what had been going on was hard but having the police take it so seriously helped.

But he knows how lucky he is to be here. I stayed because I loved her and because we had a child but it nearly cost me my life. Im lucky to be alive and one day I will have to tell my son that his mother almost killed me.

Sarah pleaded guilty to wounding with intent and was last week ­sentenced to four a half years at Norwich Crown Court.

Kieron now has a new partner but says the domestic violence he suffered will always affect him. I find it hard to trust now, he says. I was living in fear of her. Im pleased shes locked up where she cant hurt anyone.

I just want to get on with my life and make sure she comes nowhere near me or my son again.

If you have been a victim of domestic violence contact www.mankind.org.uk for information and support or call 01823 334244. Or call the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (free 24-hour service).