Courage Network

When searching for a shelter to take in my daughter & I at the time of need found ourselves stuck in that abusive home for several days when just wanting to get out & be safe. Why? Because they didn't have room. Not enough shelters around to house so many seeking safety. Texas I found had even less then NY and for as big as that state is...few & far between they were.  Why? Do they not see this as an issue of importance?? Sister there was seeking help. Found the shelter aid facility staff, cold, un-personal, un-pleasant & or comforting. Talked at her now with or to her through plate glass keeping her in a little room as if she was the disease.  She was denied help because the abusive party made to much money. WHAT?? Who says the other parties income has anything to do with her & her childrens safety. I had to go myself making calls to 4 separate shelters for days before being accepted myself. Much more comforting, helpful & personable then what my sister found near her and there was only once option of D.V. Shelter for location.

With county discovered that to them Domestic Violence Victims were classified & no different then labeled "HOMELESS". I can assure you and as all of you already know. We are not the same as your average homeless person. "DISPLACED" yes, because we need to leave for our safety as well as our children if so having. If in staying with the abuser not only do you risk those dangers you are facing already but can lose your children if staying long enough without finally doing the right thing. This is where the system in some states, counties & courts are messed up.

Example of what I have found & experienced. D.V. Shelter - to stay you "have to" get county help, your not allowed to work during your residency, shelter costs per day is higher the anyone's typical monthly rent. Some start at $75 to $200 per person per day. If you don't get county help/aid you have to pay out of your own pocket for stay so a mother & daughter it could cost about or over $3000 mo. for stay in a shelter if paying out of pocket. A mother of 5 is a way over a whopping $10,000 mo. OUCH! (aha!! now you see where others view D.V., county etc as the argument of the tax payers)

There are shelters that allow you to work. Not many. Still it is an out of pocket expense for the victim or they have to seek county help. AH!! County help. Depending on their rules they won't help unless you find a job, if staying in shelter depending if they do not allow you to work then how is this supposed to work?? If staying in a shelter where you are allowed to work the costs are over what you could be spending on a new place to rent. If working and at shelter but still having to seek county help...well if you have ever had to deal with county (some call it welfare) you already know if your working how little the actually help because you get a pay check. Sound frustrating?? Understand why it is so hard for some victims now to leave the abuser if they have no friend or family for support & help?? Or why they go back to the abuser? Things others don't think about.

Here is another example. Staying in D.V. Shelter is a limited stay. Understandably so. For some stay is shorter then a mo, others a little longer. Where I was at the limited stay was 3 mo. at the end of your stay you have to have found and obtained a job & a place to live. So, was frustrated with how do I find a job if I am not allowed to work? How do I obtain safe housing if I don't have a job?? Had it not finally been for a friend to cover & say I was employed so that I could find housing before my 3 mo was up, I would have had no place to go.

What happens to victims after their stay is over if they haven't found, obtained a job & housing??? Your out! If I didn't have a place to go or family & friends to stay with in the first place what makes them think I do now after 3 mo safety stay in that shelter? So I watched a few moms with children/babies get turned then to Emergency homeless shelter. Ah! One big room with cots and your only allowed one bag & what you can carry. Does this sound right to you? Guess what that abuser is living life as normal unless in jail (usually short lived) as if none of this ever happened other then the 2 or 3 mo delay for court if required or not at all. While you the victim saving yourself & your children from harms way.

Something to think about on how the system works. You can't do one thing without the other and you can't achieve the other without first that one thing. So it's a catch, a rock & another rock your stuck between. So, wonder why even after D.V. Shelter stay the victim goes back to the abuser? Or why they chose not to do shelter in the first place? Because not enough of them to get help or safe stay so they go back to what they know the abusive home.

The dilemma of safety & D.V. Shelter stay. Why are some like this? Because there isn't enough funding. The state doesn't see reason to have more of them. Does this mean that they don't acknowledg it happens in their state or county? The tax payers are fighting the good fight about where their money is going because for them "homeless" is someone who isn't applying themselves, abusing the system, waste of their tax paying dollars. I can sympathize to a point being a tax payer but I surely now view this differently. Domestic Violence Victims should never  be labeled & in the same catagory as homeless. The two are not exactly the same.

So when speaking out for your right to be safe as well as your children. Remember that speaking out just isn't saying your story, supporting others, etc. you need to speak out to your state representatives or county on how D.V. Safe Housing is needed & more of them or bigger so not so many are turned away. Sadly how many of them not getting the safe housing they were searching didn't make it out of that abusive situation without now more mental or health issues. Or worse didn't make it out alive. Why? Because there was no room in the safe house. Funding isn't there as it should be, city, state & county budget were cut for local shelters because on their list those that vote on these things for what gets cut, axed isn't a concern because someone voting wasn't a victim themselves to know the urgency on why they are needed.

There is only so much a safe housing domestic violence shelter can do without proper funding. There are many out there that are good ones but they still have room shortage and it breaks their hearts to have to send others away. Even legal help services from my own experience were cut while Bush was in office. Leaving me to as the courts say, 'represent yourself or hire an attorney'. While giving him the free court appointed attorney because he was in lue of incarsaration & the courts needed to protect themselves from being sued by lack of representation if facing jail for the abuser. How is any of this right?

I know I am not the only one whose dealt with the delimma's of help from county, state, court or safe housing shelters. I didn't give up and found a safe shelter stay. If not for a friend to help me when my stay was up where would I have ended up? I didn't give up hope. Neither should you. I am a survivor. We can't do this alone.

by Lyn Twyman

It was almost 20 years ago when I watched my mother sob in a court room over the battle to gain custody of me, a battle that she lost.  She was angry, upset, frightened and ill-equipped to fight the fight that had laid before her for many months.  I was confused, scared and only wanted the security and love of my parents.  It's images like this that move me to advocate for awareness and prevention of domestic violence and abuse, the abuse that had broken my family a part.  So I get it when someone pleads and cries for someone to listen to them because they have lost children to the system or through the manipulation of a spouse, ex-spouse, partner or family member who is abusive. 

A few months and years changes a lot of things for many people and that's why we have to take this issue seriously about educating our young people on domestic violence, what it means to have healthy relationships.  Youth is being wasted, time is being lost and so are lives.  It's not just a vain topic, it's a real issue.  I think we can all agree that we don't want our children to fall into similar traps that many of us have fallen into nor would we want future generations to be hurt and destroyed.

How can we help facilitate this kind of change for our young people's futures, in our judicial system and other areas?  One way is to come together to encourage and support the schools and places of worship to talk more about healthy relationships.  Another way is for the criminal and judicial systems to realize why it's important to have trained officers and judges that really understand the dynamics of abuse and create ways to support victims, families and rehabilitate the offenders, implementing effective ways to take on this issue.

This may catch you off guard but we don't just need more tax exempt organizations with a name and a cause.  We need people that will really take action.  We also need people that will serve and support existing organizations and individuals that will collaborate to support local communities to improve methods of reaching young people, for example.  We need to take the resources that have been created by organizations across the U.S. and around our world that are currently working and gather together to help and support each other with the issue of domestic violence and issues stemming from it such as bullying, teen dating violence, child custody battles and criminal victimization.  We need to support the shelters that are housing victims and donate to them.  We need to contact local and national organizations for resources such as training materials that we can use in fostering educational programs in our own communities. 

All of the resources lie right under our noses but we have to seek and find them if we are going to be effective.  National organizations in turn need to continue to support us on the ground to help facilitate change by making sure we have enough resources to continue our work and to stay on top of the issues, informing us so we can take action, making sure that services continue to operate to help victims and increase prevention.  For local, national and international organizations that are working on legislation and public policy, we need to lend our voice and write, gather and demonstrate. 

If an organization can only talk about making a difference and isn't doing it NOW by helping victims and survivors, don't support them because they're wasting your money and trying to pull resources and funding from other organizations that truly need it.  Too many good organizations are struggling as 5 men and some 1 man operations to try to keep things going.  Real servants and social changers actively serve others and don't just talk about it while spending your hard earned money on things that are not helping victims nor reaching the community tangibly.

If you are giving to any organization, make sure they are ACTIVELY working in one of these four areas, and again, not just talking about it:  direct services, legislation, research or creating educational and training opportunities and materials for advocates and the community.  If you don't see the organization you are giving your hard earned money to doing any of these things now, you may want to give somewhere else. 

We can't get stuck on "big" appearances when everything takes place right in our own back yards, so let's bring this back home.  Remember, the people that may be doing the most for your local community may not appear like "much" because they are busy spending the money that you donate to them to really help victims.  So offer to be their media campaign for them and support them.  Word of mouth is inexpensive and the most effective.

As an organization, remember your duty is to be ethically accountable, seeing where you can improve and make changes for the better, not spending frivolously.  People are counting on you to make the right decisions  with the money and resources you have to help save those in our communities that we may never meet but ultimately affect us all.  On any day "those people" could become anyone of us. 

Lastly, encourage your place of worship, if you believe in a higher Power, to support these shelters and programs that are doing the hard work day in and day out to help victims.  Your place of worship has so much potential to impact the community because of their existing bond and support structure already in place.

Real prevention is the key and it's not just talk, it's action.  Prevention goes a step further past signing petitions too.  Petitions are just the first step but not the completed process.  As the saying goes, don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today.  As an organization or individual, you may not have a huge budget but together we can make a difference with this issue of domestic violence by working together and not by reinventing the wheel.