Courage Network

Recognizing the warning signs of domestic violence and abuse

It's impossible to know with certainty what goes on behind closed doors, but there are some telltale signs and symptoms of domestic violence and abuse. If you witness any warning signs of abuse in your own relationship, in a friend, family member, or co-worker, take them very seriously.

General Warning Signs of Domestic Abuse

People who are being abused may:

• Seem afraid or anxious to please their partner.
• Go along with everything their partner says and does.
• Check in often with their partner to report where they are and what they're doing.
• Receive frequent, harassing phone calls from their partner.
• Talk about their partner's temper, jealousy, or possessiveness.

Warning Signs of Psychological Abuse

People who are being abused may:

• Have very low self-esteem, even if they used to be confident.
• Show major personality changes (e.g. an outgoing woman becomes withdrawn).
• Be depressed, anxious, or suicidal.¹

Warning Signs of Physical Violence

People who are being physically abused may:

• Have frequent injuries, with the excuse of "accidents".
• Frequently miss work, school, or social occasions, without explanation.
• Dress in clothing designed to hide bruises or scars (e.g. wearing long sleeves in the summer or sunglasses indoors).¹

Someone who physically abuses you:

• Pushes, grabs or shoves you
• Slaps you
• Punches you
• Kicks you
• Chokes you
• Pinches you
• Pulls your hair
• Burns you
• Bites you
• Ties you up
• Forces you to share needles with others
• Threatens you with a knife, gun or other weapon
• Uses a knife, gun or other weapon
• Prevents you from leaving an area/physically restrains you
• Throws objects
• Destroys property or your possessions
• Drives recklessly to frighten you
• Disregards your needs when you are ill, injured or pregnant
• Abuses you while you are pregnant
• Forces you to abort or carry a pregnancy³

Warning Signs of Being Sexually Abused

• Pressures you to have sex
• Pressures you to perform sexual acts that make you uncomfortable or hurt you
• Directs physical injury toward sexual areas of your body
• Puts you at risk for unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases
• Withholds sex or affection
• Calls you sexual names ("whore", "bitch", etc.)
• Tells anti-woman jokes or demeans women verbally/attacks your femininity or masculinity
• Accuses you of having or wanting sex with others
• Forces you to have sex with others
• Threatens to disclose your relationship when you did not want it known
• Forces you to view pornography
• Pressures you to dress in a certain way
• Disregards your sexual needs and feelings about sex
• Accuses you of being gay if you refused sex (for heterosexual relationships)
• Spreads rumors about your sexual behaviors
• Forces you or refuses to let you use birth control
• Makes unwanted public sexual advances
• Makes remarks about your sexual abilities in private or in front of others
• Rapes and sexually assaults you³

Warning Signs of Sexual Abuse in Children

• Trouble walking or sitting.
• Displays knowledge or interest in sexual acts inappropriate to his or her age, or even seductive behavior.
• Makes strong efforts to avoid a specific person, without an obvious reason.
• Doesn’t want to change clothes in front of others or participate in physical activities.
• An STD or pregnancy, especially under the age of 14.
• Runs away from home.²

Warning Signs of Being Emotionally Abused

• Frequently blames or criticizes you
• Calls you names
• Ridicules your beliefs, religion, race class or sexual preference
• Blames you for "causing" the abuse
• Ridicules/makes bad remarks about your gender
• Criticizes or threatens to hurt your family or friends
• Isolates you from your family and friends
• Abuses animals
• Tries to keep you from doing something you wanted to do
• Is angry if you pay too much attention to someone or something else (children, friends, school, etc.)
• Withholds approval, appreciation or affection
• Humiliates you
• Becomes angry if meals or housework are not done to his/her liking
• Makes contradictory demands
• Does not include you in important decisions
• Does not allow you to sleep
• Repeatedly harasses you about things you did in the past
• Takes away car keys, money or credit cards
• Threatens to leave or told you to leave.
• Checks up on you (listens to your phone calls, looks at phone bills, checks the mileage on the car, etc.)
• Tells people you suffer from a mental illness
• Threatens to commit suicide
• Interferes with your work or school (provokes a fight in the morning, calls to harass you at work, etc.)
• Minimizes or denies being abusive
• Abuses your children
• Breaks dates and cancels plans without reason
• Uses drugs or alcohol to excuse their behavior
• Uses phrases like "I’ll show you who is boss," or "I’ll put you in line"
• Uses loud or intimidating tone of voice
• Comes home at late hours refusing an explanation³

Warning Signs of Isolation

People who are being isolated by their abuser may:

• Be restricted from seeing family and friends.
• Rarely go out in public without their partner.
• Have limited access to money, credit cards, or the car.¹

Warning Signs of Being Financially Abused

• Makes all the decisions about money
• Takes care of all financial matters without your input
• Criticizes the way or amounts of money you spend
• Places you on a budget that is unrealistic
• Prohibits your access to bank accounts and credit cards
• Refuses to put your name on joint assets
• Controls your paycheck
• Refuses you access to money
• Refuses to let you work
• Refuses to get a job
• Refuses to pay bills
• Causes you to lose your job³

Using Children

• Makes you feel guilty about your children
• Uses children to relay negative messages
• Uses children to report on your activities
• Uses visitation to harass you
• Threatens to take custody of your children
• Threatens to kidnap your children³

¹Excerpted with permission from Domestic Violence and Abuse - Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships. Visit http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm and ²http://www.helpguide.org/mental/child_abuse_physical_emotional_sexual_neglect.htm#warning to see the full articles with links to related articles.©Helpguide.org. All rights reserved.

³Resource: http://www.cdh.org